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Presidential Portrait Restorer Loses Soul Staring Into Eyes Of William McKinley

By: Jack Ritchey WASHINGTON D.C.— Since 1910 the ghastly visage of former President William McKinley has loomed ominously over the third floor of the Library of Congress in Washington DC. While he was alive, McKinley was so feared for his tyrannical and unholy leadership, like maintaining the gold standard and supporting the “Dingley Tariff”, that he had to be murdered by an anarchist, and his tortured spector was forever entombed inside his official portrait as a means of protecting humanity from his unyielding terror. Tour groups are forbidden from passing by and employees of the Library are under strict guidelines… … Keep Reading

Donald Trump Realizes He Never Switched Over From Obama’s Email Signature

By: Madeleine Russell Washington, DC – Thanks to his active twitter account, Donald Trump’s administration has been the most technically visible presidency in recent history. In his first 6 months of office, Trump pushed out over 1,000 tweets despite passing zero legislation. Considering the public’s unprecedented access to the president’s thoughts, it seems only natural that we would assume a base level of technical knowledge. But on Wednesday, March 6th of this week an lonely, unnamed White House staffers received an email from Donald Trump’s official white house account, but something was drastically wrong. “It still had Obama’s email signature… … Keep Reading

They Taught This Whale To Talk And Now It’s Running For President Of The United States

By: Steve Plock Social media was abuzz this week with news that Wikie, a 15 year old Orca Whale, has learned to imitate human speech and actually speak words. But Wikie didn’t stop there, shortly after the news was announced of Wikie’s amazing ability, Wikie held a press conference announcing his candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. Twitter and Facebook were flooded with comments from Americans who were absolutely thrilled with the prospect of an orca whale becoming the President of the United States, a first for the country. As of this report, Wikie can only say “hello”,… … Keep Reading

Finally! Donald Trump Released His Third Grade Diary

8/3/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte President Donald Trump has been under fire since even before he was elected for not releasing his tax returns. He has received flack for demanding Obama release his birth certificate and Hillary release her emails and simultaneously refusing to release his own personal documents under question. It seems today that he has attempted to make amends of his hypocrisy by releasing his third grade diary. Below are some entries from a third grade Donald Trump that provide some insight into the commander-in-chief’s past and present behavior. “Dear Dairy, Today at lunch I got picked on again.… … Keep Reading

Please Don’t Trust This Photo Of Donald Trump Eating An Entire Ferret

7/20/2017 By: Jason Elewski UNITED STATES—With the nation’s fingers pointed at the news in recent months, we here at Word Brothel feel a sense of patriotic obligation to point a few fingers at ourselves. Journalism is under attack and this time it appears to be for good reason. Some scurrilous intern of ours, who has since been fired, doctored and posted the photo above. The photo depicts President Trump uncharacteristically eating a live ferret. There is no record of this ever happening. Bearing the shame and regret for our employee’s actions, we have made it our journalistic mission to debunk… … Keep Reading

Trump’s Phone Kept on a High Shelf During James Comey’s Testimony

6/8/2017 By: Jason Elewski If anyone was eager to hear President Trump weigh in on today’s testimony of former FBI Director James Comey, they were met with a great deal of disappointment. Prior to giving a speech in Cincinnati, Ohio earlier today, Donald Trump’s famous Android phone was set atop a shelf that was just barely out of the president’s grasp, impeding his ability to rub out any tweets about Comey or his televised testimony. The phone was placed upon the highest shelf in the White House by a particularly tall secret service agent at the behest of Trump’s entire… … Keep Reading

Top 10 Reality Celebs Better Suited for Presidency Than Donald Trump

3/28/2017 By: Ben Gauwitz Could being a reality TV star be the new prerequisite for the top office of the world’s most powerful nation? We can only hope. Here is a list of the top 10 celebrities who would be better leaders for our country than President Donald J. Trump. And remember, this is the just the top 10, there are at least a hundred reality “stars” who are more equipped to lead the free world than our current flavor of the week.   10. Ru Paul (Ru Paul’s Drag Race) White House? More like red carpets and technicolor dreamcoats!… … Keep Reading

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