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BREAKING: Donald Trump Has A Pretty Regular Dick, Breaking Years Of Presidential Tradition

By: Jack Hutsey WASHINGTON, D.C.—After hearing that President Donald Trump has a dick shaped like a mushroom, the nation is in a state of shock and rage. Never before in American history has the country been led by a man with a normal looking dick. “This is unprecedented and quite frankly, unprofessional and unbecoming of the office of the presidency,” Arthur Patrick Gable, official Presidential Penis Historian and Curator of the Commander-in-Chief Dick Museum and Education Center, said. It is the unspoken rule of the Presidency that the holder of the office must have a weird looking rod. Concave. Swirled.… … Keep Reading

President Clearly Never Seen A Single Episode Of VeggieTales

By: Nicholas Scutti WASHINGTON, D.C.—At FaithCon, an interfaith convention in the nation’s capital, ministers, rabbis, and imams, among others, gathered to discuss President Donald Trump’s ethics and values, if he had any. After hours of debate, the members of the convention made a radical conclusion: that President Trump has clearly never seen a single episode of VeggieTales. “It makes a lot of sense when you think about it,” said Cardinal Christopher Jones, Vice President of the convention. “VeggieTales teaches us how to love and care for one another. It’s a well known fact that former president Jimmy Carter only started… … Keep Reading

Got ‘Em: Drumpf Must Resign After Improv Team Torches Him In Last Night’s Set

By: Jack Hutsey CHICAGO, IL—Pack your shit, “President” Trump. We’d be surprised if Krumpf can even sit down after the scorching treatment Chicago improv troupe, Ben & Jerrymander, dished out in last night’s set. The veteran team of 24-year olds received the suggestion of “zucchini” and immediately went to work, drilling the Commander-in-Grief with wordplay and puns that would make William Shakespeare nut into a Dixie cup. “We were just on top of our game,” BJ Waters said. “I started a scene about gentrification, and J-Bone [Jacopo Dandelbaum] took it to a new place with his character, Cheeto Hands.” After… … Keep Reading

Presidential Portrait Restorer Loses Soul Staring Into Eyes Of William McKinley

By: Jack Ritchey WASHINGTON D.C.— Since 1910 the ghastly visage of former President William McKinley has loomed ominously over the third floor of the Library of Congress in Washington DC. While he was alive, McKinley was so feared for his tyrannical and unholy leadership, like maintaining the gold standard and supporting the “Dingley Tariff”, that he had to be murdered by an anarchist, and his tortured spector was forever entombed inside his official portrait as a means of protecting humanity from his unyielding terror. Tour groups are forbidden from passing by and employees of the Library are under strict guidelines… … Keep Reading

Donald Trump Realizes He Never Switched Over From Obama’s Email Signature

By: Madeleine Russell Washington, DC – Thanks to his active twitter account, Donald Trump’s administration has been the most technically visible presidency in recent history. In his first 6 months of office, Trump pushed out over 1,000 tweets despite passing zero legislation. Considering the public’s unprecedented access to the president’s thoughts, it seems only natural that we would assume a base level of technical knowledge. But on Wednesday, March 6th of this week an lonely, unnamed White House staffers received an email from Donald Trump’s official white house account, but something was drastically wrong. “It still had Obama’s email signature… … Keep Reading

They Taught This Whale To Talk And Now It’s Running For President Of The United States

By: Steve Plock Social media was abuzz this week with news that Wikie, a 15 year old Orca Whale, has learned to imitate human speech and actually speak words. But Wikie didn’t stop there, shortly after the news was announced of Wikie’s amazing ability, Wikie held a press conference announcing his candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. Twitter and Facebook were flooded with comments from Americans who were absolutely thrilled with the prospect of an orca whale becoming the President of the United States, a first for the country. As of this report, Wikie can only say “hello”,… … Keep Reading

Finally! Donald Trump Released His Third Grade Diary

8/3/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte President Donald Trump has been under fire since even before he was elected for not releasing his tax returns. He has received flack for demanding Obama release his birth certificate and Hillary release her emails and simultaneously refusing to release his own personal documents under question. It seems today that he has attempted to make amends of his hypocrisy by releasing his third grade diary. Below are some entries from a third grade Donald Trump that provide some insight into the commander-in-chief’s past and present behavior. “Dear Dairy, Today at lunch I got picked on again.… … Keep Reading

Please Don’t Trust This Photo Of Donald Trump Eating An Entire Ferret

7/20/2017 By: Jason Elewski UNITED STATES—With the nation’s fingers pointed at the news in recent months, we here at Word Brothel feel a sense of patriotic obligation to point a few fingers at ourselves. Journalism is under attack and this time it appears to be for good reason. Some scurrilous intern of ours, who has since been fired, doctored and posted the photo above. The photo depicts President Trump uncharacteristically eating a live ferret. There is no record of this ever happening. Bearing the shame and regret for our employee’s actions, we have made it our journalistic mission to debunk… … Keep Reading

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