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Fucking Called It: Older Brother Right About Easter Bunny Too

By: Maximilian Stolte ST. LOUIS, MO—Yesterday morning saw the end of an era for local 6-year-old Jay Schmidt, whose older brother’s assertion that the Easter bunny was a myth perpetrated by their lying parents was confirmed at the West County Mall. Jay was both shocked and dismayed to discover that, like Santa Clause, this lovable holiday character was just a ruse and that all of life is a cruel lie. Just months prior, Jay’s older brother Thomas broke news to Jay that Christmas was just consumerism masquerading as a religious holiday to get American’s to spend money on stuff they… … Keep Reading

Santa Forgets All Non-Christian Households Again

By: Jake Dierksheide SANTA’S COTTAGE, NORTH POLE  – “Aw no, aw geez, I KNEW Asia and Africa went way too quickly!” Kris Kringle exclaimed as he pulled his reindeer into their stable. Upon returning from a long Christmas Eve of delivering presents around the world, the man affectionately referred to as ‘Santa’ was mortified to find that his bag of toys was almost entirely full of undelivered gifts addressed to children of non-Christians. This marks the 244th Christmas in a row that this exact same mistake has been made. Ramesh Romperla, a Hindu resident of Hyderabad India, laments this fact… … Keep Reading

Who’s Fucking Who? An Outline Of Which Reindeer Are Having Sex With Each Other

By: Maximilian Stolte It’s the most wonderful time of the year once again and celebrity gossip is at its peak! With all of the rumors swirling around, it can be hard for those out of the loop to know what is really going on. This piece will serve to dispel any false rumors and bring light to some secrets in the holiday industry that we all yearn to make public and humiliating for these stars. Comet & Vixen They’ve had an on again off again thing going on for the past hundred years, but sources say that it is one… … Keep Reading

Local Boy Fairly Certain “Uncle” Joe Actually Just Nailing His Mom

12/17/2016 By: Maximilian Stolte A young boy by the name of Alan Richards has recently had an epiphany that will likely change the way he looks at everything in his life from this point on. He has a sneaking suspicion that his mother has been deceiving him, not just about Santa Clause or saying he is special and can grow up to be anything he wants either. No, Alan’s mother’s deception goes much deeper than that. The man Alan has affectionately called “Uncle Joe” is no more than a suitor knocking upon his mother’s door and ringing upon his mother’s bell. The… … Keep Reading

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