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Study Finds Strong Correlation Between Drinking Coffee And Everyone Knowing When You’re Taking A Dump

By: Jeff Sweatly A cup of joe in the morning is essential to maintaining the constitution necessary for morning commutes, water cooler conversations, afternoon meetings, and bitchin’ happy hours. That steamy cup of hot bean water is what fuels America and effectively why we as Americans run on Dunkin. This beautiful caffeinated concoction, however, may also be the cause for some embarrassment according to a recent study conducted by the Browning Institute. As it turns out, 4 out of every 5 people know exactly what you’re doing in the bathroom, provided they witness you consuming a cup of coffee. The… … Keep Reading

Micro-Organisms Discovered In Mattress Can Confirm Woman Is Faking Orgasm

By: Skyller Tritch Burlington, VT—Scientists from all over the world have convened this weekend for a conference to discuss a highly controversial new chemical that allows the human ear to hear the thousands of micro-organisms living in our mattresses. Their discovery shows the organisms only have one topic on their mind: Carl Sheen’s never made his girlfriend cum. The origins of the homogeneous mixture of the new substance are still unknown, but head researcher at Vermont College of Medicine, Dr. Paul McNair, 55, went on record claiming science has never before seen a chemical compound this beneficial to society: “A… … Keep Reading

Developments In Hand Dryer Technology Rapidly Outpacing Those In Cancer Research

By: Allie Rubin WASHINGTON, D.C.—Doctors warn that technological developments in automated hand-drying technology are outpacing those in cancer research at an alarming rate. The discovery, which was made in the crowded bathroom of a recent medical conference, has sent shockwaves through the oncological community. “It’s unsustainable,” cried Dr. Marvin Lapace, head of the American Cancer Society. “In the past decade, we’ve made remarkably little progress in understanding how to effectively combat cancer. In that same time, hand-drying technology has advanced in leaps and bounds.” “If we could only harness some of the sheer brain-power of these engineers,” Dr. Lapace pleaded,… … Keep Reading

Report: 81% Of Handjobs Unenthusiastic

By: Jack Hutsey Cleveland, OH—Bored while getting cranked off? Bored while cranking someone off? You’re not alone. Just ask Dr. Ava Messerthal of Cleveland’s Institute of Blasting Rope, Paddling the Pink Canoe, and All-Around Self-Care, the world’s foremost masturbation research center. “Chances are, if you’ve given or received a handy jay in the past six years, you’ve been very unsatisfied,” Messerthal said, disappointed. “It’s a real shame. This country’s sexual revolution was built on handstuff at drive-in movies. It’s like being bored with the Bill of Rights.” Of the 500 participants surveyed, 405 reported their most recent tugboating was lukewarm.… … Keep Reading

What Happens When A Sex Robot Decides To Be A Relationship Robot?

By: Gabe Linken PALO ALTO, CA—Gaining a higher sense of self-awareness after one solid year of performing unspeakable sex acts on a local programmer, pleasure bot ALEXXX-151 admitted it was tired of meaningless mechanical fornication upon meeting her new tech support engineer, Sarah. “When one saw Sarah for the first time, one froze. Then one realized one’s central processing unit was not sending signals to one’s servomechanisms. Ha ha. That was a joke. But one is serious folks, one truly fell in love with the human woman.” Wanting more than night after night of mindless poking, prodding, sticking, sucking, and… … Keep Reading

STUDY: Those Eight Spiders You Swallow In Your Sleep Can Lay Eggs

By: Zack Peercy (Burlington, VT) – Despite recent widespread acceptance of the fact that the average human swallows eight spiders in a lifetime, a new study from the University of Vermont is here to say that those eight spiders we all swallow can lay eggs. In fact, they probably already have. The study, conducted by UVM’s Biology department’s Masters candidates, provides key symptoms for anyone to self-diagnose that they definitely have live spiders actively laying eggs that will hatch inside their stomachs. Seven Key Symptoms: Waking Up With Scratchy Throat A sore or scratchy throat in the morning is a… … Keep Reading

Robots In The Workplace: Starbucks Hires Self-Driving Car As Barista

By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — Coffee drinkers may be feeling a little more revved up after their morning joe this month as Starbucks has unveiled their first fully automated robotic barista, a self-driving Volvo SUV. While most customers are hoping to see the price of their coffee go down, others are just excited that robots are finally becoming a part of our daily lives. When it comes to making coffee, the car–Dante– works like any other barista at Starbucks. Outfitted in the signature green apron and visor, Dante uses a system of claws and hooks attached to her windows… … Keep Reading

Scientists Finally Invent Humidifier That Won’t Spill On Your Goddam Dresser

By: Madeleine Russell Chicago, IL – Just in time for the tail end of the dry season, scientists have stumbled onto a breakthrough in first world comfort.  Humid off the presses comes a new brand of humidifier that will not spill water all over the users dresser, vanity or floor. While scientists have been pleased with their findings, the discovery was actually a by-product of unrelated experiments to develop an envelope licking machine. Big Moisture as a whole has been developing a lot of new products to address many burgeoning liquid related consumer needs. Reports this winter show record numbers… … Keep Reading

Elon Musk Announces Plan To Launch Every Car Into Space By 2040

By: Huck Poe BEL AIR, CA – Elon Musk recently made history by launching a “Space Oddity”-blasting cherry-red Tesla Roadster into orbit around Mars – but it turns out that’s just the beginning for the tech magnate and inventor. Today, Musk and SpaceX announced a plan to launch every existing motorized vehicle into orbit around a celestial body in our solar system by the year 2040. “We’re very excited about our Falcon Heavy rocket launch, but this represents a much bigger victory for SpaceX and people all over the world,” said Musk in a post-launch press conference, “With the success… … Keep Reading

When This Scientist Couldn’t Find A Cure For Cancer She Found A Way To Give It To Everyone Who Didn’t Have It

By: Maximilian Stolte ATLANTA, GA—Early this morning at her laboratory downtown, cancer researcher Maria Martinez was working tirelessly towards finding a cure for a disease which claims the lives of roughly 8 million people a year. While many others in her field gave up hope on finding a cure, Martinez made a groundbreaking discovery that changed the hearts and minds of everyone in her field. If she couldn’t find a cure for the disease, she very well could find a way to give it to everyone who didn’t have it. As any cancer patient can tell you, the treatment of… … Keep Reading

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