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What Happens When A Sex Robot Decides To Be A Relationship Robot?

By: Gabe Linken PALO ALTO, CA—Gaining a higher sense of self-awareness after one solid year of performing unspeakable sex acts on a local programmer, pleasure bot ALEXXX-151 admitted it was tired of meaningless mechanical fornication upon meeting her new tech support engineer, Sarah. “When one saw Sarah for the first time, one froze. Then one realized one’s central processing unit was not sending signals to one’s servomechanisms. Ha ha. That was a joke. But one is serious folks, one truly fell in love with the human woman.” Wanting more than night after night of mindless poking, prodding, sticking, sucking, and… … Keep Reading

STUDY: Those Eight Spiders You Swallow In Your Sleep Can Lay Eggs

By: Zack Peercy (Burlington, VT) – Despite recent widespread acceptance of the fact that the average human swallows eight spiders in a lifetime, a new study from the University of Vermont is here to say that those eight spiders we all swallow can lay eggs. In fact, they probably already have. The study, conducted by UVM’s Biology department’s Masters candidates, provides key symptoms for anyone to self-diagnose that they definitely have live spiders actively laying eggs that will hatch inside their stomachs. Seven Key Symptoms: Waking Up With Scratchy Throat A sore or scratchy throat in the morning is a… … Keep Reading

Robots In The Workplace: Starbucks Hires Self-Driving Car As Barista

By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — Coffee drinkers may be feeling a little more revved up after their morning joe this month as Starbucks has unveiled their first fully automated robotic barista, a self-driving Volvo SUV. While most customers are hoping to see the price of their coffee go down, others are just excited that robots are finally becoming a part of our daily lives. When it comes to making coffee, the car–Dante– works like any other barista at Starbucks. Outfitted in the signature green apron and visor, Dante uses a system of claws and hooks attached to her windows… … Keep Reading

Scientists Finally Invent Humidifier That Won’t Spill On Your Goddam Dresser

By: Madeleine Russell Chicago, IL – Just in time for the tail end of the dry season, scientists have stumbled onto a breakthrough in first world comfort.  Humid off the presses comes a new brand of humidifier that will not spill water all over the users dresser, vanity or floor. While scientists have been pleased with their findings, the discovery was actually a by-product of unrelated experiments to develop an envelope licking machine. Big Moisture as a whole has been developing a lot of new products to address many burgeoning liquid related consumer needs. Reports this winter show record numbers… … Keep Reading

Elon Musk Announces Plan To Launch Every Car Into Space By 2040

By: Huck Poe BEL AIR, CA – Elon Musk recently made history by launching a “Space Oddity”-blasting cherry-red Tesla Roadster into orbit around Mars – but it turns out that’s just the beginning for the tech magnate and inventor. Today, Musk and SpaceX announced a plan to launch every existing motorized vehicle into orbit around a celestial body in our solar system by the year 2040. “We’re very excited about our Falcon Heavy rocket launch, but this represents a much bigger victory for SpaceX and people all over the world,” said Musk in a post-launch press conference, “With the success… … Keep Reading

When This Scientist Couldn’t Find A Cure For Cancer She Found A Way To Give It To Everyone Who Didn’t Have It

By: Maximilian Stolte ATLANTA, GA—Early this morning at her laboratory downtown, cancer researcher Maria Martinez was working tirelessly towards finding a cure for a disease which claims the lives of roughly 8 million people a year. While many others in her field gave up hope on finding a cure, Martinez made a groundbreaking discovery that changed the hearts and minds of everyone in her field. If she couldn’t find a cure for the disease, she very well could find a way to give it to everyone who didn’t have it. As any cancer patient can tell you, the treatment of… … Keep Reading

Are Male Seahorses The Cucks Of The Ocean? Yes!

By: Madeleine Russell Shedd Aquarium – Chicago, IL – A new study out of the University of Chicago closes the book on a centuries old quadry for mankind – what kind of total cucks are sea horses, anyway? The scientific community has found evidence to suggest that nearly all 40 species of seahorse are by far the most wussy member of the ocean creature family. This shameful prize used to belong to male dolphins – who have sex for fun with other male dolphins and hold an especially dear place in the hearts of young girls. The biggest and most commonly… … Keep Reading

This Cis Male Has Been Mansplaining Theoretical Physics for the Past 45 Minutes!

5/30/2017 By: Taylor Brecken As any of my followers on Instagram know, I’m an intelligent, strong, and capable person. From my adventures in Joshua Tree to straight chillin’ at the vintage DQ with my fav boos, I have seen a lot and learned a lot. So I must ask this man who is standing in front of the chalkboard, what the hell gives you the right to mansplain the complexities of theoretical physics to me? Excuse me, but did I ask you to describe string theory in great detail for an entire 45 minutes? No. You would know that if you read… … Keep Reading

Breathtaking: Don’t Miss Out On The First Full Moon In 29 Days!

12/19/2016 By: Jason Elewski If you take a peek out your window tomorrow night, you may be able to observe the Moon as you’ve never seen it before. For the first time in 29 days, Earth will be aligned between the Sun and the Moon. Predominantly seen in the shape of “God’s thumbnail” or a “chewed up Nerf football”, the Moon will take the form of a perfect 360-degree circle tomorrow night. You will be able to see this phenomenon tomorrow night at 8:42pm. In order to locate the Moon, look up at the sky and rotate counterclockwise until you… … Keep Reading

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