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Micro-Organisms Discovered In Mattress Can Confirm Woman Is Faking Orgasm

By: Skyller Tritch Burlington, VT—Scientists from all over the world have convened this weekend for a conference to discuss a highly controversial new chemical that allows the human ear to hear the thousands of micro-organisms living in our mattresses. Their discovery shows the organisms only have one topic on their mind: Carl Sheen’s never made his girlfriend cum. The origins of the homogeneous mixture of the new substance are still unknown, but head researcher at Vermont College of Medicine, Dr. Paul McNair, 55, went on record claiming science has never before seen a chemical compound this beneficial to society: “A… … Keep Reading

Report: 81% Of Handjobs Unenthusiastic

By: Jack Hutsey Cleveland, OH—Bored while getting cranked off? Bored while cranking someone off? You’re not alone. Just ask Dr. Ava Messerthal of Cleveland’s Institute of Blasting Rope, Paddling the Pink Canoe, and All-Around Self-Care, the world’s foremost masturbation research center. “Chances are, if you’ve given or received a handy jay in the past six years, you’ve been very unsatisfied,” Messerthal said, disappointed. “It’s a real shame. This country’s sexual revolution was built on handstuff at drive-in movies. It’s like being bored with the Bill of Rights.” Of the 500 participants surveyed, 405 reported their most recent tugboating was lukewarm.… … Keep Reading

What Happens When A Sex Robot Decides To Be A Relationship Robot?

By: Gabe Linken PALO ALTO, CA—Gaining a higher sense of self-awareness after one solid year of performing unspeakable sex acts on a local programmer, pleasure bot ALEXXX-151 admitted it was tired of meaningless mechanical fornication upon meeting her new tech support engineer, Sarah. “When one saw Sarah for the first time, one froze. Then one realized one’s central processing unit was not sending signals to one’s servomechanisms. Ha ha. That was a joke. But one is serious folks, one truly fell in love with the human woman.” Wanting more than night after night of mindless poking, prodding, sticking, sucking, and… … Keep Reading

Who’s Fucking Who? An Outline Of Which Reindeer Are Having Sex With Each Other

By: Maximilian Stolte It’s the most wonderful time of the year once again and celebrity gossip is at its peak! With all of the rumors swirling around, it can be hard for those out of the loop to know what is really going on. This piece will serve to dispel any false rumors and bring light to some secrets in the holiday industry that we all yearn to make public and humiliating for these stars. Comet & Vixen They’ve had an on again off again thing going on for the past hundred years, but sources say that it is one… … Keep Reading

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