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technology

Developments In Hand Dryer Technology Rapidly Outpacing Those In Cancer Research

By: Allie Rubin WASHINGTON, D.C.—Doctors warn that technological developments in automated hand-drying technology are outpacing those in cancer research at an alarming rate. The discovery, which was made in the crowded bathroom of a recent medical conference, has sent shockwaves through the oncological community. “It’s unsustainable,” cried Dr. Marvin Lapace, head of the American Cancer Society. “In the past decade, we’ve made remarkably little progress in understanding how to effectively combat cancer. In that same time, hand-drying technology has advanced in leaps and bounds.” “If we could only harness some of the sheer brain-power of these engineers,” Dr. Lapace pleaded,… … Keep Reading

What Happens When A Sex Robot Decides To Be A Relationship Robot?

By: Gabe Linken PALO ALTO, CA—Gaining a higher sense of self-awareness after one solid year of performing unspeakable sex acts on a local programmer, pleasure bot ALEXXX-151 admitted it was tired of meaningless mechanical fornication upon meeting her new tech support engineer, Sarah. “When one saw Sarah for the first time, one froze. Then one realized one’s central processing unit was not sending signals to one’s servomechanisms. Ha ha. That was a joke. But one is serious folks, one truly fell in love with the human woman.” Wanting more than night after night of mindless poking, prodding, sticking, sucking, and… … Keep Reading

Robots In The Workplace: Starbucks Hires Self-Driving Car As Barista

By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — Coffee drinkers may be feeling a little more revved up after their morning joe this month as Starbucks has unveiled their first fully automated robotic barista, a self-driving Volvo SUV. While most customers are hoping to see the price of their coffee go down, others are just excited that robots are finally becoming a part of our daily lives. When it comes to making coffee, the car–Dante– works like any other barista at Starbucks. Outfitted in the signature green apron and visor, Dante uses a system of claws and hooks attached to her windows… … Keep Reading

Bing Box [VIDEO]

As journalists, we strive to retain our integrity by distancing ourselves from the demands of corporate sponsors. But we must pay the bills. Though we will sometimes provide you with branded content and commercials, we are beholden to no one. With that said, this video has been brought to you by Bing and their brand new Bing Box. Bing is without a doubt the BEST way to navigate the web. Use Bing! … Keep Reading

Negligent Mother Passes Technology Addiction To Newborn

  9/14/207 By: Ben Gauwitz CHICAGO, IL—A woman was arrested this week on child endangerment charges after her baby was born exhibiting a near fatal dependence on technology. Angela Thompson, a technology addict herself, is being held without bond by the Chicago Police Department. This is the first known case of negligent parenting in which the mother directly passed the dependence onto the offspring in utero. Thompson, a resident of the Gold Coast neighborhood of Chicago, has been in custody since last weekend. Ms. Thompson’s child, whose name has not been released, is currently on an adapted form of life… … Keep Reading

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