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BREAKING: Donald Trump Has A Pretty Regular Dick, Breaking Years Of Presidential Tradition

By: Jack Hutsey WASHINGTON, D.C.—After hearing that President Donald Trump has a dick shaped like a mushroom, the nation is in a state of shock and rage. Never before in American history has the country been led by a man with a normal looking dick. “This is unprecedented and quite frankly, unprofessional and unbecoming of the office of the presidency,” Arthur Patrick Gable, official Presidential Penis Historian and Curator of the Commander-in-Chief Dick Museum and Education Center, said. It is the unspoken rule of the Presidency that the holder of the office must have a weird looking rod. Concave. Swirled.… … Keep Reading

President Clearly Never Seen A Single Episode Of VeggieTales

By: Nicholas Scutti WASHINGTON, D.C.—At FaithCon, an interfaith convention in the nation’s capital, ministers, rabbis, and imams, among others, gathered to discuss President Donald Trump’s ethics and values, if he had any. After hours of debate, the members of the convention made a radical conclusion: that President Trump has clearly never seen a single episode of VeggieTales. “It makes a lot of sense when you think about it,” said Cardinal Christopher Jones, Vice President of the convention. “VeggieTales teaches us how to love and care for one another. It’s a well known fact that former president Jimmy Carter only started… … Keep Reading

Got ‘Em: Drumpf Must Resign After Improv Team Torches Him In Last Night’s Set

By: Jack Hutsey CHICAGO, IL—Pack your shit, “President” Trump. We’d be surprised if Krumpf can even sit down after the scorching treatment Chicago improv troupe, Ben & Jerrymander, dished out in last night’s set. The veteran team of 24-year olds received the suggestion of “zucchini” and immediately went to work, drilling the Commander-in-Grief with wordplay and puns that would make William Shakespeare nut into a Dixie cup. “We were just on top of our game,” BJ Waters said. “I started a scene about gentrification, and J-Bone [Jacopo Dandelbaum] took it to a new place with his character, Cheeto Hands.” After… … Keep Reading

Donald Trump Realizes He Never Switched Over From Obama’s Email Signature

By: Madeleine Russell Washington, DC – Thanks to his active twitter account, Donald Trump’s administration has been the most technically visible presidency in recent history. In his first 6 months of office, Trump pushed out over 1,000 tweets despite passing zero legislation. Considering the public’s unprecedented access to the president’s thoughts, it seems only natural that we would assume a base level of technical knowledge. But on Wednesday, March 6th of this week an lonely, unnamed White House staffers received an email from Donald Trump’s official white house account, but something was drastically wrong. “It still had Obama’s email signature… … Keep Reading

Donald Trump Just Asked The Entire U.S. Olympic Team To Come Back Home So That He Could Have His Own Opening Ceremony In Washington

By: Jason Elewski WASHINGTON DC—With the launch of 1,218 Shooting Star drones and Yuna Kim lighting the torch, the 2018 Winter Olympics began, uniting the world to bear witness to the majesty and beauty that people can create when they want to make one hell of a parade. Everyone watching the opening ceremony was undoubtedly impressed by the spectacle, but one viewer was left nearly speechless: Donald Trump. Having seen the ceremony on his bedroom television over a bucket of extra crispy KFC, Trump reportedly shook his index finger at the screen, screaming “whoa neato”, before picking up his phone,… … Keep Reading

Trump’s Gigantic Dick Is Extremely Impotent And He Doesn’t Have A Clue Whether Or Not To Call This Fake News

By: Jason Elewski WASHINGTON DC—Like a virus spreading illness through its host, #fakenews has infected the 24 hour news cycle. Incapable of deciphering the authentic from the fraudulent, Americans have turned to the nation’s most stable genius to tell them what can be trusted. Until now, president Donald Trump’s Twitter page has served as a Rosetta Stone of sorts, calling foul on bogus stories from phony institutions like the failing New York Times, stupid NBC, and poopy pants NPR. Unfortunately, we at Word Brothel, unable to discern what’s credible, have written this piece reporting that Donald Trump’s enormous monster dick… … Keep Reading

Trump Caught Kissing Mirror At Midnight

By: Madeleine Russel Washington, DC – Sunday night the streets of the nation’s capital rang with the dawning of a New Year.  Bars, clubs and homes enjoyed a rare celebratory evening away from their daily fools errand keeping the Trump ship afloat. White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said of his bare bones, scandal wary employees, “The President’s staff was given this night off to go drop the ball somewhere else.”  It’s only merciful after a full year of what has amounted to a group of 6th graders throwing a ball on top of the roof instead of playing… … Keep Reading

Donald Trump

Trump Pardons Whitest Turkey With Longest List Of Sexual Harassment Allegations And Civil Rights Violations

By: Maximilian Stolte Just as each president before him did, Donald Trump continued the tradition of granting a pardon to one turkey for this Thanksgiving holiday. In keeping with Donald Trump’s new pardoning tradition, the turkey pardoned was none other than George Wallace III. Beyond being the whitest turkey the president could find, this turkey also has a troubling past.   Recent allegations against this turkey for sexual harassment and assault number in the twenties. Many of the female turkeys either wished to remain anonymous or were murdered for Thanksgiving dinner (and to quiet them). “He was always commenting on… … Keep Reading

Why The Government Doesn’t Want You To Look Directly At The Solar Eclipse

8/20/2017 By: Brody Lefevre Since the dawn of man eclipses have had a profound impact on civilization. The celestial phenomenon has led to major scientific breakthroughs and influenced cultural change. Considering the political turmoil and shifting social dynamics of our current society, the upcoming solar eclipse could very well be the catalyst for a revolution. This possibility is such a cause for concern for our government that they have produced glasses and launched a fear campaign to keep us from staring at the eclipse and achieving spiritual enlightenment and evolving to the next plane of human intellect. Ancient cultures believed… … Keep Reading

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