They Taught This Whale To Talk And Now It’s Running For President Of The United States

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By: Steve Plock

Social media was abuzz this week with news that Wikie, a 15 year old Orca Whale, has learned to imitate human speech and actually speak words. But Wikie didn’t stop there, shortly after the news was announced of Wikie’s amazing ability, Wikie held a press conference announcing his candidacy for the Presidency of the United States.

Twitter and Facebook were flooded with comments from Americans who were absolutely thrilled with the prospect of an orca whale becoming the President of the United States, a first for the country.

As of this report, Wikie can only say “hello”, “bye-bye”, the name of her trainer “Amy”, count to three, and “I would today like to announce my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States of America.”

Voters dismayed by the current state of politics in Washington are hopeful that Wikie will be a leader who will focus on taking care of the struggling middle class and unite the country, despite being a 20,000 pound aquatic mammal currently held captive at MarineLand in France.

“Donald Trump drained the swamp, but now I think it’s time we fill the swamp with salt water and krill and put a killer whale in there to really shake things up in Washington,” said Ohio steel worker Randall Thompson. “I’d like to see Kim Jong-un threaten the US while a killer whale’s huge flipper is on the nuclear arsenal button haha.”

Even progressive millennial voters are starting to be intrigued by Wikie’s announcement. “Wikie seems cool, like the kind of whale you could sit down and have a beer with. Naturally, I’d like to hear his views on marijuana legalization and creating a nationalized health care system, but the fact that this whale is already counting to three and saying bye-bye is really exciting to me,” said Mark Reed, a graduate student at the University of Illinois.

Wikie may not be the only animal in the running in 2020 though. News of Wikie’s candidacy have spurred rumors that Terry, the finch that landed on Bernie Sander’s campaign podium in 2016, might be running as well. Other animal candidates reportedly starting exploration committees include Bosco, a dog that has been to space, and Popcorn, the turkey pardoned by Obama back in 2013.

Not everyone is so excited about Wikie’s announcement. Some voters expressed concern that Wikie’s species is one of cold-blooded natural killers and they fear that the ‘Animal Kingdom’ will soon replace American Democracy.

“I’ve seen Blackfish! Tilimuk, Wikie and all of their kind are deceitful, violent killers who only think of themselves. Also, did you know they have 45-50 teeth! That’s unconstitutional!,” said Arby DuPlatt, a farmer from Iowa.
“I don’t think doing tricks for fish and learning to say a few words qualifies as public service,” says Missouri school teacher Bruce Kosler. “Now, an animal like Harambe or Cecil the Lion, that’s a candidate I could vote for. Unfortunately they’re both dead.”