Too Cool For School: This Kid Was Ditching Class Long Before Students Were Protesting Gun Violence

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By: Maximilian Stolte

MIAMI, FL—Students across America have been walking out of class and demonstrating their first amendment right to protest. With elected government officials engaging in a dialogue with some of these students, it seems that these children may actually have an impact on an otherwise stagnant debate on gun laws. This is all great news for students, except Todd Porter, who has been walking out of school for way longer and has received no national attention.

“I just hate school. It’s dumb as hell and if I don’t feel like being there that day I just leave,” an apathetic Porter said at press time to the few news networks that couldn’t get to the popular kids with clever anti-gun signs. “All these other kids want to act like walking out of school is such a big deal. Like, I do it at least twice a week.”

A quick look at the easily obtained attendance records indicate that Todd does in fact skip 4th through 6th period on average twice per week and often misses home room period in the mornings, arriving late with various excuses. All administrator attempts to correct this behavior fall flat as his mother works a lot and his father left three years ago.

Has Todd Porter been more politically aware than the rest of his peers, skipping some of his classes as a silent protest this entire time? Some students think so, while others have labeled him a delinquent. Suzy Ryan, who sits next to him in Biology reported, “His mind always seems like it’s miles away during class. Like he’s thinking of how to change society for the better. Then when I don’t see him at the end of the day, I like to think he’s off somewhere causing change…for the better.”

According to Martin Rodriguez: “Todd’s just smoking weed. He skips class and rips this massive bong he built and hid in the woods behind the baseball field. Kid is a total burnout loser.”