By: Jack Ritchey
ST. LOUIS, MO—It looks like it could be gorgeous outside this weekend. Or it might rain. Or it might fucking thundersnow. At this point only one person knows, and he’s clearly masturbating to the fact that he’s not telling us anytime soon. Twelve minutes into KSDK News Channel 5’s evening broadcast, just after the grizzly details of a double murder at a liquor store and an update on that toddler missing since September, local weatherman Craig Moller made a brief and obnoxious appearance to really tease the fuck out of that weekend forecast.
“He started off joking with the anchor lady and smiling, saying ‘turns out you may not need that jacket on Saturday after all’ so I got my hopes up, but then they threw to commercial on footage of a mailman opening an umbrella. So now I have no idea what the fuck’s going on,” said viewer Chuck Wentz, adding that Moller showed up for another fifteen seconds after the commercial break just to deliver the the current weather and only the current weather, building up the mystery and intrigue of whether or not it will be cloudy on Sunday. Sure enough, after the current weather Moller urged viewers to stick around for the full weekend forecast coming up after Sports, saying, “You won’t believe what we have in store!” with a cryptic self-satisfaction.
“He had his little black clicker thing in his hand, so I could have sworn he was going to actually predict the weather. You know, like a fucking meteorologist? But then he just handed over to the Heath Desk and left us hanging again! I promise to god if this assheel doesn’t tell me I can barbeque on Saturday I’m switching to Fox-2, or CBS, or ABC-30 or something.”
After the Health Desk, Sports, another infuriating tease, and the consumer watchdog segment “On Your Side Investigations”, Moller finally took the spotlight only to waste six of his seven minutes talking about ‘low pressure’ and some damn flooding in Thailand. And in the end, by the time the ten-day forecast was finally presented to the audience, in all its high-of-70-degree glory, most viewers had already just looked at their weather app.