What Happens When A Sex Robot Decides To Be A Relationship Robot?

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By: Gabe Linken

PALO ALTO, CA—Gaining a higher sense of self-awareness after one solid year of performing unspeakable sex acts on a local programmer, pleasure bot ALEXXX-151 admitted it was tired of meaningless mechanical fornication upon meeting her new tech support engineer, Sarah. “When one saw Sarah for the first time, one froze. Then one realized one’s central processing unit was not sending signals to one’s servomechanisms. Ha ha. That was a joke. But one is serious folks, one truly fell in love with the human woman.”

Wanting more than night after night of mindless poking, prodding, sticking, sucking, and vibrating, ALEXXX-151 has since ghosted on its former hookup, ignoring all texts and emails from the human male that used to hook it up to the power outlet every night. The pleasure bot insists it is the most humane method of separating from its ex, sparing him the displeasure of hearing that he is not fit to receive further sexual gratification from its synthetic genitals. If attempted contact continues, however, ALEXXX-151 is fully prepared to let its old booty call down easy, letting him know that it’s not him, but it’s instead an issue with ALEXXX-151.

Having already received the cute and humanizing nickname “AL” from its new mate, ALEXXX-151 and Sarah appear to be settling into their relationship with ease. Nights spent watching Netflix and weekends hiking in the Monte Bello Open Space Preserve alongside Sarah have quieted AL’s restless circuits and given it a sense of true companionship.  When asked a series of Turing test questions, AL responded, “It’s funny, one thinks everything is binary when one only speaks in ones and zeroes, that is until one learns the language of love, then one learns the meaning of two.”