By: Jack Ritchey
SCHAUMBURG, IL – This week researchers at the American Veterinary Medical Association concluded a ten-billion dollar study on the intelligence of the domesticated canine. Tests were conducted on several leading dogs for language skills, cognitive reasoning, and ability to determine if an owner was gone forever after leaving the house. And at the end of the study, 11 year-old Guffman was found to be the world’s smartest dog. In a presentation of the animal’s superior intellect, the press got to watch as the short-eared basset used a napkin and successfully manipulated a fork and knife to eat his stinking disgusting garbage.
“It’s truly magnificent to see an animal, like Guffman, actually holding a salad fork and using his wine glass as he rifles through old wads of used kleenex and slurps his tepid dog water” said Dale Perkins, Director of Shedding and Politeness, adding that Guffman shows signs of understanding basic rules of etiquette like letting the host begin inhaling his molded trash first, and keeping his poop-covered elbows off the table. “He even folded his napkin on his chair and excused himself to go pee all over the god damn floor”.
However not everybody’s tail is wagging at the results of the study. Mike Gibbons, Professor of Table Manners and Barking, expressed concerns. “This sort of research makes you weary of where the true divide is between man and animal. After all, if Guffman knows he should use his steak knife (and not his butter knife) to eat the lid of an old foul pizza box, and waits until everybody leaves the room before wiping his ass on the carpet, then what’s next? Flying a spaceship to the moon?”
Whether this is one step toward the evolution of dogs onto a higher plane of existence or just a slightly more acceptable way for them to ravage through discarded Chinese food containers and rotting vegetables like starved idiots, Guffman isn’t complaining. So roll over Lassie and eat a tit Beethoven. There’s a new top dog in town, and he’s not saving families from wacky goings-on. He’s giving etiquette lessons!